Today, for good or bad, online dating is one of the most popular ways to meet people. The popularity of Internet dating sites has added to this new way of getting to know someone. Nowadays, you can find dating websites for almost any interest. Whether you’re just looking for a Popular Dating Sites or have some specific spiritual, lifestyle, or other needs, there is someone out there for you who is just a few mouse clicks away. And for those with few social skills it is an ideal way to get to know people. So, with all the great dating sites online today, it has become easier than ever to find someone
Of course, care must be taken when using the Popular Dating Sites for this. The biggest difference between online dating and dating someone you meet in person is that you do not have the same ability to interact with them in person. You don’t have the same chance to look in their eyes and see if they are who they say they are. This is why caution should be used online. Common sense is absolutely essential when considering dating anyone, but more importantly someone you have met online.
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Have you ever had a dating situation that started out great but then went downhill rapidly when things got more serious? This seems to be a fairly common phenomenon -- and a tremendously frustrating one. This reminds me of a question one of my students once asked me: "Do you believe that both parties of a relationship must first have self-love in order to function healthily without attachment and dependency?"
The short answer to that question is 'Yes'. But you didn't come here for the short answer, so here's the long answer.
The self-love question is essential. Let's talk about the 'self-concept'. Basically, our self-concept encompasses all our beliefs and judgments about ourselves. The self-concept attempts to satisfy two motives simultaneously: self-enhancement and self-consistency.
Generally, people like things that give them self-enhancement (e.g. compliments). However, if you don't like yourself, then the self-enhancement runs into the self-consistency requirement (e.g. "Why does he like me when I'm clearly not deserving").
In the beginning of a relationship, when you start dating, the self-enhancement motive is dominant. But as a relationship becomes longer term, the self-consistency motive starts to dominate, and what you get is the partner with low self-esteem thinking that the other partner is insincere, lying and just buttering her (or him) up.
And then she breaks up with you. Basically because you were being a sincere, genuine, complimentary kind of guy. (This also explains why some women gravitate again and again towards jerks -- because the jerk is fulfilling her self-consistency requirement *exactly*. Rather unfortunate.)
2) How does she treat other people? She may be treating you nicely, because we usually put our best foot forward at the outset of a relationship when we start dating. But how about the rest of the world? Generally people treat others with the same degree of respect they have for themselves (think about that one for a sec). So if she's mean to others, treats others like dirt and is generally unreasonable and demanding, chances are she thinks that's the kind of treatment she deserves herself as well. Be very, very wary of such a companion.
3) Is her speech mostly positive or negative? Is the glass half full or half empty? Are her days a litany of disaster and conspiracy against her happiness? Is she inordinately fond of words like can't, won't, didn't, isn't going to, shouldn't, etc etc? Once again, we tend to see the world not as it is but as we are. Beware.
In the absence of extended contact, these three clues should keep you in good stead. That's the kind of teaching I like to conduct in all my seminars: tools you can use IMMEDIATELY to enhance your fulfillment and success in life, especially in dating.
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If you date men or women long past the point when you are still exploring whether or not s/he is your ideal match, take heart! You are in the vast majority of people around the world. This phenomenon is not regional, generational, or related to education, or socioeconomic circumstances.
Being willing or able to recognize that someone is a good match or not a good match for you, and stop dating him or her, seems to be a universal dilemma.
Let's review a few Dating Basics:
· Dating is a process and you are dating to find your ideal match.
· Recognizing that the men or women you are dating are not a match for you is the point of the dating process.
· It is highly likely that you will date a number of people who will not be your ideal match and that many of the people you are dating will recognize that you are not their ideal match.
· Ending the dating process is the only next logical step to take if we agree that the point of dating is to find our ideal mate.
Let me tell you a story that makes this much more complex than a philosophical question:
I have a young colleague who has been dating a woman for a number of weeks. They enjoy each other's company very much. They share common interests and have a good time together.
Clarify your values, needs, beliefs and the vision you hold for you life. Appreciate everyone who comes into your life and weave the threads of the connection you had with them into the rich fabric of your life.
Learn to say goodbye so you can use your physical and emotional energy to attract the man or the woman who will make your heart sing every day for the rest of your life.
Remember, only YOU can make it happen!
Copyright Dr. Jackie Black 1999-2005
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